In this NICU DAD feature, I'm delighted to introduce Carl MacDonald of @premdad_uk. Carl has twin boys who were born at 27+4 weeks and here he talks to me about his experience of NICU, discussing the specific challenges faced by Dads. You can read his blog at https://premdad.co.uk/ - its a great insight into life as a preemie Dad.
Please give us a little background about you and your babies...
Our twin boys were born at 27 weeks and 4 days gestation, and spent just over 9 weeks on NICU. They’re now coming up to 14 months old.
When did you first see your babies, and did you see them before your partner?
Aside from a fleeting glance and a quick blurry photo at birth, I first saw them when they were around an hour to an hour and a half old. I saw them alone, before my partner; my wife had to go into theatre after the birth, so she didn’t see them until they were about seven hours old.
What was the hardest thing about being a Dad whilst your baby was on NICU?
Struggling to contain and make sense of my emotions was probably the hardest thing for me, especially at the start. I had to try and understand that I was a dad, at the same time as being happy to have two sons whilst also being worried about their health.
On top of all that, I was concerned about my wife following such a traumatic experience.
Later, the worries became more material; I’d barely started decorating the nursery before they were born, so I knew I had to get that completed in between NICU visits. We also didn’t yet have car seats and other things we’d need on discharge.
Are there specific challenges you think NICU Dad’s face?
For me, it’s the sudden divided loyalties. I really struggled in feeling as though I had to be there for my wife at the same time as worrying and trying to bond with two sons that I wasn’t expecting for another three months. I think the other key challenge was a feeling of helplessness, though this eased the more I bonded with the boys and took part in things like care routines and tube feeds.
What’s your favourite memory from NICU?
Definitely the moment I first held both boys together. It was six days before we could even hold them, and a few days later I was able to have the “double cuddle” as we called it. A magical moment.
Do you feel that there is sufficient support for Dads both during your NICU stay, and after discharge?
The majority of the support is (quite understandably) geared towards women, but I would like to see slightly more information available for dads. This is really the key reason I created PremDad, as a way of supporting dads (and mums) through the situation I was in.
Having said that, the nurses and staff on NICU were brilliant with me and offered great counsel to both me and my wife. After discharge, our health visitor also took an interest in my wellbeing which was nice.
For me though, men’s mental health in general is still a bit of a taboo, and so I’d like to see more support for NICU dads.
Which 3 words would you choose to describe your NICU experience?
Exhausting, terrifying, strange.
Has being a NICU Dad changed you?
Absolutely. To my shame, I never really knew anything about NICU and prematurity before our sons were born. Now I feel it defines me. I really struggled to come to terms with what had happened, and that is now what drives me each day. I want to be the best dad I can be for my sons, but I also want to help other people through similar situations by providing details of my own experience.
What advice would you give to new NICU Dads?
First, take every opportunity to bond with your child/children. Get involved in nappy changes, tube feeds and kangaroo care or skin-to-skin contact. It helps to build a connection and soothe your baby - and the cuddles can reduce your stress levels too!
I’d also encourage dads to realise it’s okay to not be okay. NICU is a gruelling experience; you often feel helpless and it can be a very upsetting environment to be in. Don’t feel bad for taking a few minutes for yourself when you need it. Go outside for fresh air, phone a friend or family member, talk to the staff. Your health is important too.
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