It's coming to the end of Infant Mental Health Week (#IMHAW2020) and this year's focus has been "seeing the world through a baby's eyes".
I questioned for a while whether or not to write a specific post on this. On one hand, it would seem odd if I didn't; after all, the NICU experience is all about those first few formative days, weeks and months of a baby's life. But on the other hand, I'm not a psychologist and so, other than from personal experience, I'm not really in a position to advise on infant mental health.
However, on scrolling through social media to read the commentary around this week, it dawned on me that something was missing. I love seeing all the beautiful babes-in-arms and babes-on-boobs, posted across my social media feeds alongside #imhaw2020 posts. Posts that tell me, rightly so, the importance of responsive parenting, cuddles and attentiveness, and their positive impact on my baby's mental health. Yet, in this context these images also bring with them a sadness. A sadness which I'm sure other NICU parents will relate to. A sadness which comes from acknowledging that my baby didn't have the start in life I hoped he would.
You see, a NICU baby's start in life is tough. Their first moments are usually spent surrounded by doctors and nurses, bright lights, tubes, wires, monitors. Procedures to resuscitate, to stabilise, to support. It's a far cry from the moment everyone envisages where the baby is placed on it's mother, skin-to-skin in a dimly lit room.
Beyond these first moments, the rest of a NICU stay isn't the "newborn bubble" everyone talks about, where mother and baby can bond. Having to ask to hold your baby, often not being able to hold them for days, or even weeks. Intrusive procedures, daily blood tests, constant monitoring. A NICU baby doesn't often get the luxury of warm, snuggled feeds with its mother. Usually it's tube fed, often by a nurse. The world through a NICU baby's eyes doesn't look that great.
Of course, all of these are done with compassion and dignity and, very often Neonatal units promote family-led care which means that Mum and Dad can be actively involved in their care. But, it's not the same and, although it's not often spoken about, it can have a significant impact on the way parents, especially mothers, bond with their babies.
So, when I look at all of these #IMHAW posts talking about what parents should be doing to promote good infant mental health, I can't help but question what the impact of my baby's NICU stay will be on his mental health? A newborn baby should have its Mother close by all the time in those early weeks. Yet I had to do the most unnatural thing ever, and leave him alone on the unit each night. I still struggle with that.
Yet, the reality is, our babies were cared for in the best place, and in the best way for them. It's important, for our own mental health, that we recognise, as NICU parents, we did everything we could to support our precious babies whilst they were apart from us. There is no blame, and there should be no guilt.
So when I think of those early weeks, I think of the things I could do for my baby. The gentle containment holding; I'd sit for hours with him, my hands just resting on his bottom and head, so he knew I was there. I'd talk, quietly to him so he could hear my voice; the voice he'd heard for months before. We encouraged his siblings to talk to him too when they visited. The magical kangaroo care; those moments you never want to end. Being able to do his cares; gently wiping his eyes and lips with cotton buds dipped in breast milk. They may only be small things, but they meant everything.
And I know that even in those moments when I wasn't there, one of the incredibly special NICU nurses was there for him. You never get used to leaving your baby, but I trusted completely the nurses whose care I left him in, and I know that they spoke to him in the hushed, caring tones that he needed in those early days.
And what about after NICU? What if you're struggling to live with the trauma you've been through? What if you still feel like you're struggling to bond? Just take little steps and don't be hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can, and your best is good enough. And if you feel like you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. Infant mental health is important, and so is parental mental health. The two are so closely related, and the more openly we talk about these issues the better, especially in relation to the NICU experience.
And its for this reason that we need to start seeing some of our NICU babies in these #imhw2020 posts. We need to start being open about the challenges to mental health that the NICU experience presents. We need more research into the impact of NICU on infant mental health. Until then, we'll continue to have NICU parents feeling bad about the start their babies had in life, and that's no good for anyone's mental health. It's time for awareness and change!
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